Human time-bomb.
One day, when I re-visit this place, I want myself to sniff and think, yes this is me.
God, I love late nights, makes me think, think and rethink. On what? Old times, old days, maybe on what I used to be and have become since. Sometimes, at night, I cant seem to fall asleep, maybe cause to me, the night frightens, but I want to embrace it.
Back then, I used to enjoy the laughter, the sounds and frequency of the outside. The smiles I see, the joy I feel, when I see the eyes of those I met every week. But now, at this present time, I am sick of all these. Feeling depressed, like a prisoner of these four walls. I've forgotten who He is, and God forgive me. Everything is swirling around me, feeling the stench of hate and deceit, all the stares, the jealousy and the whispers of meaningless gossip lingers on the bus, the train station. I wanted to scream out loud, get the hell out of my head, but i cannot. It feels like I am no longer in control of myself, of my personal well being. I do not know if its stress, or hallucations boiling up in my head. I feel, no peace, no quietness in the day. Night is when I do not wish to be awake, but I could not sleep. Literally I am calling out for help, but no one hears me as my mental screams are muffled by the ruthlessness of the twisting nether.
I love the arts, of all sorts. Paintings, cinemas, comedies etc. I loved being creative, let my mind run wild. But we just do not click. I do not like to show the weak sides, the fact that I am a human like everybody else. As vulnerable to the bullet shot from a gun.
The thing is, why does nobody ever understand this? Expect more from me, the pressure is on me to perform better. But i have my misgivings. Like a pre-caution.
I have yet to fall, but God, please do not let me fall, for i know, one day when it finally happens, I will not just fall, I will be broken; and not just my physical being.
Its just about every little piece of me that is alive right now will be..
Gifts come in many shapes and guises:
Apples meant to nurture seeds
Wind up in many strange disguises,
Ministering to other needs.
Life's a gift beyond what we
Can know or understand or say:
There's a nonstop ecstasy
Beneath the hum of every day.
There's a love so radical
That nothing can escape its glow,
Luminous and magical,
Everywhere we are or go.